There is a moment that most of us INFJs recognize — when we find someone who we believe will uncover a “gold” in him/her; immediately after we’ve felt a strong connection, we begin to envision the future that this person has never experienced.
This is generally where the problem for us begins.
Why INFJs Are Drawn to Someone’s Potential #
We don’t typically fall for what appears obvious. We perceive the underlying patterns. We observe the inexperienced life in someone, his/her potential for tender emotions, his/her desire to develop into something greater than he/she is today.
As a result, because we are naturally inclined toward perceiving patterns, discovering meaning, and experiencing depth in others, the unseen layers can seem so much more “real” than what exists on the surface.
As such, INFJs may experience a great deal of difficulty ascertaining whom we’re attracted to. While we are clearly meeting the person standing before us, we are also seeing all the opportunities that exist within him/her.
We see the person they could potentially become once they heal, soften, and stop running from who they truly are. On occasion, the picture we see is stunning. Other times, it is hope masquerading as a dream.
I have discovered this firsthand. When you are a deeply empathetic individual who has always been able to read beyond words, you can confuse potential with actuality.
You can assume that the depth you’ve sensed (or assumed) is actually there when it isn’t. You can continue providing your emotional investment to a seed that has no interest in developing.
The Emotional Pattern Behind INFJ Attraction #
For numerous individuals classified as INFJs, attraction doesn’t occur randomly, nor is it superficial. Instead, we are often attracted to people who demonstrate high levels of emotional intelligence, original thinking, kindness, empathy, and an inner sense of aliveness.
However, another dynamic occurs more subtly. We may be attracted to the unfinished individual because he/she invites interpretation. He/she stimulates our intuition. He/she awakens in us the ability to relate on a spiritual/psychological level.
Unfortunately, if we’re not mindful, we begin connecting to the person based upon our own personal interpretations of their being, not necessarily to their actions.
At this point, pain enters. Love becomes intermingled with projection. Compassionate love becomes intertwined with self-sacrifice. The connection feeds on promises instead of truths.
This doesn’t imply that INFJs are naive. Rather, we frequently connect using our imagination and emotional courage. We require grounding.
What Real INFJ Love Feels Like Beyond Fantasy #
True love for an INFJ consists of three components working together: mind, heart & soul.
With regard to the mind, there is substantial depth. You can explore topics related to philosophy, literature, meaning, past wounds/dreams, and other abstract areas without ever feeling silly about exploring these topics.
Additionally, your heart experiences safety; kindness is not merely an act, and you are valued regardless of your usefulness.
Your soul recognizes and acknowledges a certain connection that cannot be coerced. You simply feel more authentic around them rather than less.
It is essential to note here that although someone’s potential might awaken your soul, it will not maintain your heart.
A chemical reaction may stimulate your imagination; however, it won’t provide the same stability as consistent emotional support.
Although an INFJ can remain invested in crumbs for some time if the connection seems divine, ultimately, your body will recognize this as well.
How INFJs Can Stop Falling in Love With Potential #
While cynicism is certainly one possible path, the lesson here is that reality needs to be allowed into the discussion.
You should definitely acknowledge the possibility of someone becoming the person you want them to be. Nevertheless, you should also inquire regarding who they are when they are fatigued/frustrated/challenged/unable to impress anyone else.
Should you observe their kindness comes at no cost? Do they have the capacity to encounter you on a deep level without placing the full burden of their emotions upon you?
Healthy love does not necessitate you betraying your perception. Healthy love requires you to refine your understanding.
To distinguish between potential and behavior. Between essence and habit/pattern. Between beauty and limitations.
Upon learning this fact, true love for an INFJ is far more stable.
Not like being swept away by the waves of a beautiful sea; but more like standing beside deep waters with someone who understands how to navigate those waters alongside you.
True love continues to hold elements of mystery. Yet true love now rests upon solid ground as well.