Why INFJs See Potential in Toxic People #
An INFJ does not relate to who someone is. An INFJ relates to who someone can be. This is the beginning of the problem.
Many INFJs can also feel the difference between a person’s actions and their true potential. An INFJ senses the goodness that someone can choose and the honesty that they can grow into.
When this is seen by an INFJ, the next step is relating to this future version as if it already exists.
This has happened to me on several occasions. I did not remain in those toxic situations simply due to enjoying the abuse.
I remained in those situations because each time I thought there was going to be even more good or hope. Therefore, I continued to provide additional time, understanding, and grace.
Unfortunately, each time I did so, I lost some amount of peace.
The Hidden Cost of Loving Someone’s Potential #
Loving people into being whom they refuse to be is tragic.
Initially, it may seem noble. You might say that you are patient, compassionate, and loyal. Perhaps you truly are.
However, if your loyalty is based upon a fantasy rather than reality, then that loyalty becomes self-denial disguised as compassion.
Toxic individuals are typically very skilled at living within that space. Sincere moments of vulnerability are provided. Apologies are given, which initially seem sincere. Promises that appear realistic are made.
These all serve to give an INFJ evidence that his/her faith in that individual has been validated.
Oftentimes, however, these efforts only serve to maintain the level of investment from the infj while ignoring the needs of the infj.
Signs an Unhealthy Relationship Is Pulling You Away From Yourself #
A few key indicators include:
Your internal world begins to shrink down.
You begin to focus less on what you need and instead on the other person’s feelings and emotions. You begin to revolve around their moods and responses.
Your nervous system will begin to orbit around theirs.
The relationship shifts from a meeting of two people to managing one.
Another indicator includes when your ability to empathize is now one-sided.
You deeply understand the other person; however, you feel increasingly misunderstood.
While the relationship appears extremely intense, extreme is not always intimate.
Feeling needed does not equate with being loved.
When either of these conditions occurs, the use of “we” tends to dissolve.
There is one emotional center in the room, and it is not yours.
How INFJs Can Break This Pattern #
The first step toward change is no longer wondering if someone has potential.
The first step toward change is to wonder if someone has the capacity.
Capacity represents what actually exists in a person’s life today. Does he/she have accountability? Can he/she fix the damage they caused?
Will he/she honor boundaries without retaliating against you for doing so? Will he/she love you without having to destroy you to do so?
Talk openly with trusted friends. Speak aloud about the issues you’ve identified.
Many INFJs remain in unhealthy relationships for years solely because they think internally.
The depth of silent processing can create a perception that makes clarity feel monumental.
At times, you don’t require additional introspection. You need a clear mirror.
Choosing Peace Without Closing Your Heart #
It is acceptable to love fully, yet continue walking away. It is acceptable to recognize that someone is hurting and refuse to allow that hurt to become your own personal home.
That isn’t cruel - that is mature.
Relationships that are healthy will never demand that you abandon yourself in order to continue the relationship.
Healthy relationships will feel steady (more like warmth) compared to being fiery (like flame).
Those are the types of relationships that are well worth waiting for.