I once rewrote an entire future based on a single supportive comment. This is how hope works when we truly love another.
It doesn’t knock lightly; it enters quietly, rearranges your furniture, and calls your home “destiny” long before reality arrives.
INFJ Love Often Begins In The Space Between Longing And Intuition #
For me, love has rarely been superficial. I’ve had crushes, yes. Transient emotions. Fleeting ideas.
When I am completely in love, however, it is far from a spectator sport. It is internal. It is sacred. It is also incredibly perilous.
For some INFJ’s, there exists a threshold between the world of possibility and the world of reality, which may lead to beauty or blindness in their love story.
In the past, when I met someone, I didn’t only get a sense of who they were as a person, I got a sense of who they could potentially grow to be.
That is exactly where things began to unravel. Hope entered quickly and filled in the gaps. I wasn’t naive to think otherwise.
I was attempting to remain loyal to the possibilities that existed within this relationship. However, potential is NOT character. Chemistry is NOT safety. Longing is NOT evidence.
This is one of the most difficult lessons I have had to learn. As an INFJ, love may seem profound, but profoundness alone cannot equate to truth.
Why INFJs Ignore Pain In Love Until It Becomes A Pattern #
I previously excused behaviors that were clearly unacceptable. I attributed an individual’s lack of presence (emotionally) to external factors. I rationalized the careless words spoken by him in my mind.
I debated whether my emotional hurt was due to my increased sensitivity versus his behavior. In hindsight, I realize I was either demonstrating compassion or abandoning my own well-being under the guise of kindness.
Pain develops into patterns when consistently endured. One does not need to be intentionally cruel to be incorrect for you.
They simply need to demonstrate an inability or unwillingness to provide for the vulnerable aspects of you.
Although I continue to support forgiveness, I now recognize that forgiveness without boundaries is not love. It is surrender.
Today, I understand that you can develop affection toward an individual and yet still choose not to create a future with them.
You can be committed to an individual and still deny entry to them through cold hands as they continue to leave the door ajar.
How INFJs Lose Themselves While Trying To Be Chosen #
As I developed strong feelings for individuals, elements of my internal world gradually took a secondary role.
Their goals/dreams became amplified in comparison to mine.
I transitioned from questioning how I could integrate myself into their world…to questioning whether he could join me in mine.
A vivid memory remains for me: when I loved someone who held more conservative views regarding religion than I did.
At that time, I had written two novels that I knew he would likely disapprove of. I shredded them.
This memory continues to affect me today, not only because of what I destroyed, but what it revealed.
I was willing to destroy portions of myself for the chance of receiving love.
Hope unencumbered by self-respect can whisper that approval equals closeness. Hope can tell you that shrinking represents devotion.
Real love will not request the funeral of your gifts. Real love will not demand that you sacrifice your own voice so that others can remain at ease.
INFJ Relationships Need Reciprocity, Not Just Devotion #
One additional recurring theme I needed to confront was how frequently I ended up carrying the weight of the relationship’s emotionality.
I was typically the first one to reach out/attempt to establish communication/connection. I was usually the one encouraging this bond/growth/relationship.
Typically, I would reveal more about myself. Usually, I would give more. Generally, I would show up. Normally, I would buy the gift.
Generally, I would put forth the effort. And all too often, I would define this type of relationship as ’love’ when it was merely unbalanced.
It isn’t necessary for me to experience grand gestures in order for me to determine whether the emotional investment/effort is reciprocated in a relationship.
Instead, I have come to understand the importance of paying attention to whether there is mutual care displayed in each relationship.
Reciprocity is not cold – it demonstrates honesty.
Reciprocity provides clarity regarding whether two people are creating something collectively or whether one person is providing energy for a fire that the other person only finds appealing when it is convenient for them.
Both parties involved in love should feel energized by the dynamic of the relationship.
Neither party should feel like one person is hauling water uphill while the other party admires the view.
INFJ Hope Versus Reality In Love Can Become Wisdom #
More times than I can recall, I have ventured beyond my comfort zone for the sake of love.
Once, I traveled to unknown areas just to catch a glimpse of someone.
Another time, I demonstrated loyalty/commitment to my relationship in such a manner that caused inconvenience for not only myself, but for those surrounding me as well.
At the time, these actions seemed romantic. However, looking back, I realize how often I attempted to convey how serious my intentions were by sacrificing my own comfort level.
The versions of me during those periods were tender.
Although those versions of me were tender, they were also blind to their own limitations.
While sincerity is vital in relationships, it is insufficient unless combined with discernment.
Therefore, hope & reality must eventually converge.
Hope states this could be everything – while reality asks what exists presently?
Hope dreams – reality establishes grounding. Both exist simultaneously.
Without hope, love can become cynical – without reality, love can result in self-betrayal.
Perhaps this is the true lesson for INFJ’s: Not to love less profoundly, but rather to love with open vision.
To retain the magic in relationships, yet maintain awareness of oneself within those same relationships.