A great number of INFJs will recognize this sensation. You spend time with others; you speak; you may even smile.
However, nearly nothing significant escapes the confines of that space. Later, you ponder why being seen could possibly feel more hazardous than the sense of loneliness you normally experience.
Why INFJs Seem Open but Stay Deeply Guarded #
On the surface, INFJs can often appear friendly, considerate, and relatively easy to converse with. As a result of this, people will frequently confide in them with ease.
Even though these individuals feel comfortable sharing thoughts or feelings with an INFJ, that doesn’t necessarily mean the INFJ feels equally comfortable sharing their own thoughts or feelings with that individual.
That’s one of the paradoxical aspects of this personality type. An INFJ can help create a sense of closeness without ever entering into the actual closeness itself.
For a considerable period of time, I believed that my ability to maintain personal boundaries was simply an aspect of my reserve.
However, as time passed, I began to see another factor. It wasn’t merely introversion. It was caution. It was recognizing patterns.
I was remembering the last time I revealed something genuine too soon, too openly, or to someone I shouldn’t have shared with.
Like many other INFJs, I don’t tend to hide behind a veil of secrecy out of a lack of anything meaningful to express.
Rather, I am cautious because I’ve learned how easily depth can be misinterpreted.
Why INFJs Protect Their Inner World So Carefully #
An INFJ generally has a rich internal existence that can be difficult to articulate using conventional language.
One finds interpretations, meanings, emotional tides, and quiet resolutions.
Most of which occurs internally prior to being articulated verbally.
Furthermore, as soon as you attempt to verbalize it, it can instantly seem reduced from its true essence.
That alone can cause an INFJ to desire solitude (privacy).
However, typically, it is much more than that.
A large majority of INFJs have experienced instances wherein they attempted to be sincere and honest with others, yet those same others either misrepresented their sincerity, joked about their sincerity, used their sincerity against them at a later date, or were incapable of meeting them at their level of sincerity.
Eventually, the nervous system develops a method of protection (i.e., by withholding) and begins to understand that certain deep truths should not be placed in untrustworthy hands.
Therefore, privacy becomes less akin to a protective barrier and more similar to a serene interior space with a locked entrance.
The Fear of Being Misunderstood Runs Deeper Than People See #
One reason that numerous INFJs choose to maintain their privacy is based upon a fear of having their intentions distorted (not always an aversion to intimacy).
If you have spent several years perceiving the emotional climate within a room, identifying areas where others avoid contact to discomfort, and adjusting your behavior to mitigate such potential conflictual situations – you do not readily open yourself up to casual interaction.
Instead, you develop caution. You begin to test the terrain in advance of placing your entire weight upon it.
I personally am familiar with this process.
There were times during which I sincerely articulated my perspective and afterwards left feeling less understood than I did initially.
Such experiences foster a particular brand of loneliness - not the loneliness associated with isolation; however, rather the loneliness resulting from being poorly translated.
As a consequence, many other INFJs would rather refrain from expressing themselves if doing so might lead them to endure the same.
Why INFJs Observe First and Reveal Themselves Later #
INFJs are commonly observers before they participate fully in social gatherings.
They perceive both the overt and subtle tones involved in social exchanges; the energies that exist in a group setting; contradictions presented in conversations; motivations; and also listen for what is stated versus what is omitted in conversations.
These behaviors can contribute toward making an INFJ appear enigmatic, although frequently they are simply collecting data regarding the emotions present in a situation.
Trust between two parties is developed primarily through consistency rather than charm for most INFJs.
We observe how individuals handle disappointments; we examine how individuals discuss topics related to people who are currently absent; we assess whether an individual prefers receiving truthful responses or simply disagreeing with ideas.
Until this portrait of trustworthiness becomes more defined, we continue to protect parts of ourselves.
This isn’t manipulative. This is discernment.
Discernment can evolve into over-protection if taken to extremes.
For example, an INFJ may isolate themselves so thoroughly that no one can truly connect with them.
Conversely, in a healthy manner – this represents wisdom.
Not every door should automatically swing open simply due to someone knocking.
Privacy Can Be Self Protection but Also a Form of Self Abandonment #
At this point, the discussion gets more honest.
Not all types of privacy represent nobility – sometimes it is trauma disguised as personality traits – sometimes it represents what occurs when a person learns that their genuine expressions evoke anger in others – thus privacy becomes a survival strategy for the individual.
Throughout my lifetime, I have witnessed this occur with my own life history.
There existed periods where silence seemed intelligent – although in reality I was exhausted from maintaining silence as a means to keep things organized – therefore I was not protecting harmony – instead I was withdrawing myself from society in order to ensure stability.
There is a distinction here.