Many people — especially those with strong empathetic abilities such as INFJs — don’t initially recognize an unhealthy relationship when it forms. This often begins with a “pull,” a “story,” or a sense that the individual on the receiving end of this pull can provide some specific kind of support or comfort the other person cannot find elsewhere.
Often, by the time physical signs of fatigue or heaviness appear, the individual’s heart may have already labeled the situation as a form of “love.”
Why INFJs Stay Too Long in Unhealthy Relationships #
While many INFJs do not remain in these types of situations due to naivety, they often remain because they can see multiple facets or dimensions within another person. While many individuals view others primarily through surface behaviors, many INFJs look beyond behaviors.
They seek to understand why an individual acts in certain ways (the wound behind the behavior; the underlying fear causing the coldness; the vulnerability beneath someone else’s inability to demonstrate love). At its best, seeing these dimensions can create a powerful and attractive experience.
However, at worst, this ability to see dimensions can also lead to becoming trapped.
Many INFJs are not attracted to chaos alone. Rather, they are drawn to meaning and significance. In relationships, meaning can sometimes be misinterpreted as intensity.
If a relationship appears deep, emotionally charged, painful, and/or transformative, then the potential for a meaningful connection seems significant. Some connections appear destined, yet not all intensely bonded relationships are healthy.
Intensity can simply be instability masquerading as destiny.
Each of us likely has experienced versions of this type of dynamic in our lives. You wait patiently longer than you probably should. You rationalize/justify negative behaviors by your partner.
You continue to believe your partner will eventually develop into the person you envisioned them capable of becoming. During this time, your nervous system pays the costs.
The INFJ Pattern of Seeing Potential Instead of Reality #
One common and potentially damaging pattern among INFJs is viewing a future version of a partner rather than recognizing who they currently are.
An INFJ sees who a partner could be when they heal from past traumas; when they learn to be truthful and authentic; when they feel secure and comfortable enough to express themselves as compassionate and loving.
It is possible for this future vision to hold you back for far too long.
You justify telling yourself that the distance you feel from your partner is merely temporary; that your partner’s inconsistent signals and mixed messages represent nothing more than confusion; that your partner’s selfishness represents unresolved emotional pain; that your partner’s lack of communication and/or expression represents fear; and that your partner’s disrespectful actions toward you symbolize extreme levels of stress.
As each of these interpretations takes place over time, the true nature of reality becomes less relevant as it is continually interpreted by your imagination.
Because this pattern exists as part of my personal history and many other deeper experiences throughout my life, I am aware of this pattern.
When you have dedicated years to supporting people who later reject you (due to your loyalty, your capacity for understanding, and your patience), it can cause your heart to treat endurance as a moral virtue.
Although endurance is valuable, remaining in a situation for extended periods of time is not always evidence of wisdom. Sometimes endurance indicates self-abandonment disguised as empathy.
Early Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship for INFJs #
Typically, an unhealthy relationship does not identify itself with great fanfare. More commonly, an unhealthy relationship reveals itself gradually through subtle moments your body recognizes before your mind acknowledges them.
Your body physically feels exhausted after interactions with this person, instead of energized. Your expectations/needs seem inconvenient to both you and your partner.
You begin to alter yourself for the sake of maintaining harmony. You consistently have to communicate boundaries three times prior to establishing mutual understanding regarding said boundaries, and even then, you feel guilty for having them established.
The relationship becomes increasingly based upon meeting the emotional/mood-related demands/crisis-based needs/wounds of your partner.
At this point, many INFJs essentially disappear. Not immediately, but gradually. The “we” transforms into an “I”, however, not as a result of healthfully growing apart from one another.
Rather, the relationship develops as their world, their schedule, their pain, their priorities. Your internal life, your aspirations, and your clarity begin to recede into obscurity.
As stated earlier, while many INFJs may wait for ruptures to occur within a relationship prior to leaving, this waiting period is typically due to their tolerance level rather than an unrealistic expectation that things will improve.
INFJs generally attempt to comprehend/understand partners and their motivations/behaviors; however, understanding someone does not necessarily translate into feeling safe with them.
Why Boundaries Feel Hard and Why They Matter #
To many INFJs, setting boundaries can feel foreign at first since they may perceive boundaries as restrictive, final, or disappointing.
Due to concerns of appearing selfish or cold if they refuse requests, or fearing their lover will no longer desire them if they set limits, some INFJs tend to soften their boundaries.
Others establish exemptions. Still others extend opportunities for compromise.
However, setting a boundary is not equivalent to punishing another. A boundary clearly communicates self-respect.
A healthy relationship does not require one party to sacrifice their own body/comforts in exchange for maintaining the union. Nor should a healthy relationship repeatedly challenge how much hurt/discomfort an individual can endure before breaking down.
A mature partner does not require management around an individual’s limitations. They care about their lover’s limitations.
Here lies the difference. The correct relationship will not only be emotionally significant, but it will also feel stable.
It will allow you to breathe freely. It will never request that you erase your identity to maintain a relationship.
How INFJs Can Choose Healthier Love #
In some cases, one of the most loving things an INFJ can do is cease romantically idealizing pain/suffering.
Being chosen is insufficient. Being necessary is insufficient. Being able to assist another is insufficient.
Seek out reciprocity. Seek out emotional honesty. Find someone who honors your ’no’ upon the first request.
Find someone whose presence creates calmness/peace of mind, rather than creating constant interpretation. Healthy relationships may feel quieter at first — yet quiet does not equate to empty.
Quiet may be indicative of safety.
There is courage in continuing to be receptive/open-minded after experiencing pain; however, there is equally courageous action involved in leaving what continues to harm you.
You are not present on earth solely to save people at the expense of saving yourself. You are here to cultivate an existence where love and self-worth coexist within the same space.
That is not asking too much from either yourselves or your lovers. That is where real love truly begins.