Many of us learned that being misunderstood would have costs. So we added details, and details, and more details. In hopes that clarity would protect us from those costs. More times than not, it didn’t.
Instead, we learned to follow the trail of words behind us and label it “self-protection”.
Why INFJs Often Feel the Need to Overexplain #
Over-explaining for many INFJs is a result of habits both in their communication skills and in their nervous systems. They overexplain because their bodies continue to expect misunderstandings, judgments, or emotional punishments even during everyday events.
I am aware of this behavior myself. I have found that I tend to want to explain my reasons for doing something before others question what I’ve done. Not necessarily because I enjoy talking about myself, but because some place within me still believes that there may be consequences for what I do.
If you grew up in an emotionally unpredictable home, were criticized frequently or blamed subtly, then you understand how this feels. As soon as people begin to perceive your intentions incorrectly, you begin to speak as though your innocence required proof.
When I see this happen, it typically occurs either after a conversation at home or at work. People have misunderstood your intentions, and you find yourself speaking like you’re building a bridge across a canyon that shouldn’t exist.
Too many words are usually fear masquerading as concern.
Childhood Patterns That Turn Explanation Into Self Defense #
Many of the sensitive people I meet today began growing up in families whose emotional climates changed rapidly. From one moment to the next, you could go from having no idea that anything was wrong to finding yourself defending against accusations of wrongdoing that you never knew existed.
It is in these types of environments that the act of over-explaining becomes a source of comfort. You learn to fill the space between two silent thoughts with your own words before someone else fills that space with criticism. You learn to think ahead of others and assume their doubts. You learn to provide evidence prior to a hearing.
Later on, as adults, you can exhibit this type of behavior in very mundane circumstances. A delayed response to a message. A minor error was made at work. An opposing view. And instantly, you begin providing lengthy explanations for something that requires only one sentence.
Not due to danger in the situation, but because it brings back memories of past events that were once experienced by your body.
The Hidden Emotional Triggers Behind INFJ Oversharing #
As INFJs, we generally grow up closer to our experiences. We pick up on tone, tension, contradictions, and all of the unspoken things that others don’t verbalize. The ability to tap into these levels can be a gift.
However, it can also cause us to explain ourselves excessively when we feel unheard. At times, over-explaining has nothing to do with factual information. Rather, it is a deep yearning.
Yearning to be truly understood. Yearning to not be diminished. Yearning to say something simply enough so that another individual understands it exactly as intended.
Unfortunately, more words do not always equate to greater comprehension. At times, it causes disconnection. The recipient becomes overwhelmed, and you end up feeling disconnected and unheard as well.
This is why this behavior can feel so isolating. You are attempting to connect; however, your attempts become overwhelming in the moment.
How To Stop Over-Explaining Without Judging Yourself #
Awareness is the initial step. You do not have to berate yourself each time it happens. Guilt will only solidify the behavior further.
Next, try identifying the moment beneath the words. Ask yourself what you are afraid will occur if you convey fewer words? Will you be judged as incorrect? Misunderstood again? Failing to believe you?
Once you identify the underlying emotion, you can take steps toward creating a new path. Then attempt to express yourself using one concise statement and allow the statement(s) to stand alone.
Allow the words to fall upon the listener. Allow the listener time to absorb the silence. At first, this may feel unnatural to you – almost as if you are standing outside your protective shell. However, this uncomfortable sensation may be the beginning of healing.
You are not flawed for over-explaining; rather, you have adapted in ways that protected you throughout your life. Now you can choose to adapt differently with more gentle awareness and more faith in your true nature.