At times, a relationship will end, and one or both parties may never betray you. The relationship ends sometimes because you continue to fall in love with the version of the other in your imagination while they remain standing in front of you.
This is a difficult admission. A great deal of this dynamic is familiar to many INFJs.
INFJ Idealism in Relationships Starts With Seeing Potential #
Many times when we begin relationships as INFJs, we don’t walk into the relationship empty-handed. Instead, we carry a vision; we carry a sense of purpose; and we carry the hope that true love can be transformed into something more profound, deeper, and possibly nearly holy.
On a positive note, this creates a unique and warm quality to the relationship. However, when things go poorly for us, it’s often the source of staying longer than we should and expecting more than anyone can provide (i.e., it crushes us when our dreams aren’t realized).
While many of us do not merely see people for who they are, we see the potential within each person. While seeing people for their untapped abilities, we also see the vulnerability that lies in the beauty of their character.
In essence, we see the “better” version of people and relate to that version as though it already exists. What can appear as loving behavior, as well as being wise, can create a space for neglecting reality.
I recognize this type of pattern in myself. I’ve had several instances where I chose to maintain my commitment to a relationship due to feeling there was potential for improvement.
I sensed what the relationship could potentially develop into IF only the other individual would meet me halfway.
It’s possible this expectation of a future can be viewed from the outside world as an example of faithfulness. From inside, however, such an approach can represent a form of self-betrayal.
TWhy INFJ Idealism in Love Can Turn Into Control #
As previously stated, idealism doesn’t necessarily equal gentle behavior. At times, it takes on a more subtle yet damaging aspect- control.
In a manner that isn’t overtly aggressive, but rather through developing internal constructs of another individual and then becoming discomfited when they deviate from said construct.
One believes they can anticipate how they’ll act. They believe they’ve developed a definition for the relational experience.
They believe they have identified all aspects of the emotional terrain and subsequently respond not to what is occurring in the current moment but to the crumbling of their belief system surrounding the relational experience.
Thusly, conflicts commonly arise.
The INFJ’s mind is capable of developing complex layers of meaning regarding the relational experience. Although these meanings are beneficial, in romantic interactions, they can also function as cages.
When one becomes overly enthralled with their own interpretation of events/relational experiences, one ceases to engage with the person currently before him/her.
One stops observing and listening with fresh eyes. Rather, one responds based upon his/her previous perceptions and therefore reacts based upon the loss experienced through having to relinquish his/her former interpretations of events/relational experiences.
Therefore, feelings of extreme disillusionment are common.
It is not only the individuals who failed you, but also the narrative you constructed in your mind that is crumbling.
If you have been living off narratives for an extended period of time, losing the foundation for those narratives can seem overwhelming.
Childhood Wounds, Loyalty, and the INFJ Relationship Pattern #
To many INFJs, idealism represents more than personality. For many, idealism serves as protection.
Growing up in chaotic environments, uncertainty is frightening. Therefore, you learn to identify patterns. You learn to detect changes in moods.
You learn to establish internal models of others to help protect you from the unpredictable nature of growing up in unstable environments.
These behaviors do not disappear after entering adulthood. As an alternative, they are incorporated into how you express your love.
At this point, many of us become entangled in this cycle.
We confuse emotional vigilance with intimacy. We confuse a deep understanding of someone with safety around them. We confuse loyalty with love, even though loyalty is literally sucking the life from us.
I personally witnessed this as well. I felt loyal; I felt patient; I felt fair, but more than once, that loyalty bound me to people who did not demonstrate equal levels of honesty towards me.
I was continuing to connect with the deeper meaning behind our bond while the actual bond was calling for a new level of authenticity.
The disparity between those two realities is crucial.
Relationships cannot be healed solely by idealistic visions for their future.
A relationship cannot sustain itself based solely on our ability to explain why someone acts in a particular manner.
How INFJs Can Heal Idealism and Build Healthier Relationships #
We don’t need to lose our depth as INFJs; we need to cultivate a greater connection to reality. We need to allow our intuition to inform us of the truth rather than replace it.
That means we need to notice what an individual actually does, not simply what they intend for us to perceive about themselves; we need to give individuals permission to be inconsequential, incomplete, and different from what we envisioned, in order to avoid viewing every unanticipated event as a disaster.
Additionally, we need to grieve. Grieving refers to mourning something lost.
Mourning can happen internally (and silently) and externally (and publicly).
Growth often occurs at the conclusion of mourning the fantasy: The perfect friend. The perfect mate. The perfect repaired family unit. The perfect utopian future where everyone understands and loves each other.
Loss in realizing that inner fantasies must release their grip is inevitable. Freedom, however, follows directly behind loss.
Since the fantasy softens, real love has room to grow.
True love contains imperfection. True love lacks polish. True love lacks drama (the cinematic type). True love lacks certainty.
True love, however, is authentic and includes repair work in it-it includes weathering storms together-and most importantly, it includes truth.
What you’re asked to do as an INFJ is not abandon your dreams-you’re asked to soften your grasp on those dreams relative to reality.
Give people permission to be who they are; give relationships permission to reveal themselves to you; give yourself permission to be vulnerable without confusing vulnerability with illusions.
When you cease demanding perfection from your love, life becomes easier.